DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Unfortunately, valet services have not yet been approved. The quotes are also fake!

Congratulations Holy Family! We have reached the largest student body EVER this year! Everyone should be proud of this major accomplishment!

Because of the rise in students, we are expanding our campus! Yes, for all you tennis fans out there, this means tennis courts. Now, where should we put them? Brilliant! Right in the middle of our already very limited parking! This will definitely make sense, especially with the rise of cars actually needing a place to go.

Wait, hold up. If the tennis courts are taking up all the room in the dirt lot – the famous, very much not paved, back up parking lot – where do the students who show up to school at 7:45 (a normally reasonable, even a little early, time to be at school) park?

Don’t worry! First of all, the administration has added gravel behind the softball field for very exclusive parking (only for cars able to make it over the curb). But what if your car cannot make it over the curb? What about all the little cars out there who show up “late” to school and have no parking?

Our very own Dean Joe Galmish is here to help! No parking? No problem! Just park in the circle, go to the office, and drop off your keys. Mr. Galmish is the face of the new Holy Family valet system!

The Safeway only a few blocks away has the parking we need. Mr. Galmish simply drives your car down to this Safeway parking lot, and makes his way back to the school to pick up the next car in line in his very nifty golf cart! “Sometimes I even leave the golf cart behind and walk back to the school,” Mr. Galmish commented. “It’s good exercise and it gives me some time to myself away from the crazy student body.”

Staggered dismissal may be a bummer sometimes, but let’s be honest: bringing all of our cars back front and center for us to drive home is super time consuming! We need to give Mr. Galmish all the time he needs to make the rounds and bring our cars back. After all, he is helping us out! “I was worried at first,” says grateful student Liam Slavin. “However, the valet system makes me feel right at home as the spoiled Holy Family kid I am!”

We would like to give a special thank you to Mr. Galmish for helping us with our parking problems! Tennis courts have nothing on him!